Mystic
Mountain Newsletter VI
Mystic
Mountain Newsletter VI
I have to admit, I never thought that I would be writing an article about love. I have destroyed so many relationships with people that I really cared about as a result of my conceptualization of this subject.
My Ego brought out the worst in me; as it does with so many others. I tried to fulfill my neurotic, emotional survival strategies; reactions to wounds from the past, and thus avoided the challenge of healing and growth. I became a prisoner of, and within, my own mind. Many times this led to flatness, loss of freedom and a dull mind. I became controlling and afraid of possible loss. I failed to realize that my fears actually set the wheel of sharp blades returning in motion and the result was, of course, that I lost them in the end anyway.
I had to learn that frequent serial monogamy or promiscuity leads to exhaustion as each new relationship fails to deliver lasting love; they are also traps. Love demands that we change and grow. Without following its intelligent process, it turns to dust and is remembered merely as an illusion brought on by a flush of powerful hormones. I lusted after most of the women that I had been with. I wasted a lot of energy trying to change the other person to conform to my patterns or delusions.
But sexual energy is no easy beast to tame, it is a serpent - dragon that threatens to overwhelm and conquer the ego that refuses to let go. So in fear we often withdraw from surrendering to its full power and stick with habits and fantasies that keep sex in the mind and remove us from being really present in the act. If this mental approach to sex doesn't become boring, it becomes addictive. Either way we cease to grow and expand with it, and then the teachings of ascetic traditions about the dangers of sex seem to have a ring of truth.
It is not that sex is a bad thing, it is the attachment to sex that causes suffering. When the ego is denied sex, it gets frustrated and even angry. It tries to manipulate the other party into surrendering their body to satisfy its immediate needs. This only leads to suffering for both partners and, in the end, the ego moves on to contemplate the situation and even consider cheating or ending the relationship. It slowly tortures the mind into believing that the other person does not really want you anyway. Then it has you question how horrible a person you must be and BLAH, BLAH..... So, you can see how this will turn out in the long run.
My jealous actions were trying to keep the girl close to me but, the very act of jealousy does just the opposite. In many ways, I had to let her know that I was still attractive to other women. I was really trying to reaffirm myself and my own insecurities. But, the end result of this act did the opposite every time. When I acted this way, it was to keep the person that I loved close to me and possibly reduce the threat of losing her to someone I felt may be better than me. (Can you see the delusion?)
It is rare for someone to take themselves through the
natural weaning process and discover that the source of infinite love is within
them. Yet it is this discovery that brings total transformation in your life and
your relationships. To get there takes a deeper movement than simply changing
your thoughts. There is a closed circle of thoughts and emotions that needs to
be opened up and healed. The craving for connection has an emotional and
energetic shape that is felt in the body as a very physical reality, it has
form. This form underlies all the thoughts of worthlessness we have about
ourselves. The feelings give rise to self deprecating thoughts and anxieties,
which in turn reinforce the feelings. This in turn leads us to act out our basic
survival strategies whether they be grasping, manipulating, controlling or
whatever we did to try to get the love we wanted or numb our pain. But acting
out these ingrained patterns feeds us back into the original feelings since they
only ever were ways of coping, they never delivered pure love.
Finding the source of love within you, involves self responsibility, self discipline, being alert to what you are actually thinking and doing, and changing at the deepest level. It takes giving up the search for love from the outside. This all needs a quieter, emptier mind. Meditation, when practiced with deep emotional healing, is very helpful here. Learning to be present with the Tao (Inner truth about how we feel, think and act according to the spirits that see all as they watch over us) in the midst of all life's emotions, happenings and changes, gives you the centered state from which self love springs and healing can happen.
Sex becomes a truly loving union this way. In a similar paradox to the one about love, when you become fully responsible for moving your own sexual energy, and let go of searching for pleasure, the pleasure and power of it increases enormously. Then it feels safe to really open and deeply share yourself. The energy can build and take you beyond the limitations of habits and fears and needy desires, into a profound wave of sexual / spiritual energy as it moves through the body and transmutes into a spiritually awakening energy. This takes you beyond enjoyment into ecstasy and brings you closer to the Tao.
I have learned that my relationships are only as good as as my actions. I have learned to share each intimate moment of time with my wife and my daughter. The rest is history. It is pointless being angry over past mistakes. You have to forgive yourself, learn and move on into the magnificent future. Life is just a learning adventure and I am sorry for those that may have got hurt by my past. I blame nobody for the gift of learning that the spirits have provided, and I have forgiven all those that may have made mistakes against me as a result of their human nature.
"Just keep going!"
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